Will anyone ever...

Will anyone ever be good enough?
Will anyone ever compare to the feelings that you bring out in me?
Will anyone ever make me live in the moment like you do?
Will anyone ever show me the true beauty in helping other people like you do?
Will anyone ever show me as much passion as you do?
Will anyone ever show me what it's like to be wanted like you do?
Will anyone ever make me smile at the simplest things like you do?

Will anyone ever make my head spin?.... like you do?

I know you're going to break my heart, that's the way things work... but the ride has been well worth it. I feel like it will be for a while. Then I'll fall in love, things will go sour, and I'll always compare everyone I know to you in hopes of one day being with someone like you.

You're perfect for me.

Fuck, I wish this was real.

I remember days when you still felt alive
Days when I knew you were by my side
I see emptiness now, looking into your eyes.
Eyes (?) and a soul that would glow
The angel you were not so long ago
Now lifeless
Where did you let your wings go?

Time will pass and life will surely change us
Our closest friends will become our enemies
We all know what choice can make or break us
It's up to you
Will you run the race or walk away?

True life is knocking
On your heart's front door
I wanna teach you
Wanna show you
You can live for so much more
Liberty is calling
Will you take my hand?
I wanna reach you
I wanna help you
Pick you up from sinking sand.

I see the way that you live your life
Afraid to feel, emotions in disguise
You're not fine but you wear a face that says you are.

So powder your nose
Put on your fancy shirt
Run away, run away from all the lies and abuse
All the product in this world cannot hide the truth.

Time will pass and life will surely change us
Our closest friends will become our enemies
We all know what choice can make or break us
It's up to you
Will you run the race or walk away?

(Down By Fire)

I wrote a letter tonight to someone that will never receive it. He was someone that brought me so much joy in the small amount of time that I knew him that it killed me to think that I'd never get to see his smile again. It's been four months (yesterday). To think about the loss of someone that was once so close to me is one of the hardest things I've ever done. The tears flowed from my eyes uncontrollably. It breaks my heart that I never got a chance to fulfill my promises to him. I still think about him daily and wonder what went wrong.

I hope that one day we'll be able to sing a song together, love. We'll write it together, you and me. Jam sesh, just us sexy texties. You built some beautiful memories for me and for that I'm forever grateful. I will never, ever forget you. You were a bright light in a dark world.

I love you, Michael J. Swanson. Rest, dear. You'll be forever missed.

I... am a birthday cake.

I had a very revealing look into the past and present feelings of someone that was once very close to me tonight... He's stopped using the drugs, he's become much like he was before. I told him everything. He told me everything. We shared things that we never dared to whisper before. It was liberating to be able to get out all of those old feelings, to forgive, to forget, to grow, to challenge his actions... to challenge my own. There are still feelings there, why I don't know... it's one of the biggest mysteries in my life as of yet. He apologized for everything and told me that he was going through a bad time. He wished that he would have stayed and seen things through. The confusing part to me is how we can still maintain such a strong bond after such a disaster occurred between us.

He's the one that broke my heart the worst, although it was rough for me to admit. Hell, it still is. Though there was a huge battle and a lot of responsibility to be taken on, I know that I would have done that for him... and I still feel like I would.

It's so strange, when you feel like you've gotten everything all figured out. You pinpoint almost every one of your actions and the reasoning behind all of it and then something like this shoots up out of the middle of nowhere and every last bit of it is debunked by one strong attachment.

Is it that I'm still in love with him, or do I just feel like I have to prove myself worthy? I'm still not sure.

And these words still ring through my head to this day...

"I... am a birthday cake
that you light up,
blow out,
devour
and forget about."

My mind is racing.