Will anyone ever...

Will anyone ever be good enough?
Will anyone ever compare to the feelings that you bring out in me?
Will anyone ever make me live in the moment like you do?
Will anyone ever show me the true beauty in helping other people like you do?
Will anyone ever show me as much passion as you do?
Will anyone ever show me what it's like to be wanted like you do?
Will anyone ever make me smile at the simplest things like you do?

Will anyone ever make my head spin?.... like you do?

I know you're going to break my heart, that's the way things work... but the ride has been well worth it. I feel like it will be for a while. Then I'll fall in love, things will go sour, and I'll always compare everyone I know to you in hopes of one day being with someone like you.

You're perfect for me.

Fuck, I wish this was real.

I remember days when you still felt alive
Days when I knew you were by my side
I see emptiness now, looking into your eyes.
Eyes (?) and a soul that would glow
The angel you were not so long ago
Now lifeless
Where did you let your wings go?

Time will pass and life will surely change us
Our closest friends will become our enemies
We all know what choice can make or break us
It's up to you
Will you run the race or walk away?

True life is knocking
On your heart's front door
I wanna teach you
Wanna show you
You can live for so much more
Liberty is calling
Will you take my hand?
I wanna reach you
I wanna help you
Pick you up from sinking sand.

I see the way that you live your life
Afraid to feel, emotions in disguise
You're not fine but you wear a face that says you are.

So powder your nose
Put on your fancy shirt
Run away, run away from all the lies and abuse
All the product in this world cannot hide the truth.

Time will pass and life will surely change us
Our closest friends will become our enemies
We all know what choice can make or break us
It's up to you
Will you run the race or walk away?

(Down By Fire)

I wrote a letter tonight to someone that will never receive it. He was someone that brought me so much joy in the small amount of time that I knew him that it killed me to think that I'd never get to see his smile again. It's been four months (yesterday). To think about the loss of someone that was once so close to me is one of the hardest things I've ever done. The tears flowed from my eyes uncontrollably. It breaks my heart that I never got a chance to fulfill my promises to him. I still think about him daily and wonder what went wrong.

I hope that one day we'll be able to sing a song together, love. We'll write it together, you and me. Jam sesh, just us sexy texties. You built some beautiful memories for me and for that I'm forever grateful. I will never, ever forget you. You were a bright light in a dark world.

I love you, Michael J. Swanson. Rest, dear. You'll be forever missed.

I... am a birthday cake.

I had a very revealing look into the past and present feelings of someone that was once very close to me tonight... He's stopped using the drugs, he's become much like he was before. I told him everything. He told me everything. We shared things that we never dared to whisper before. It was liberating to be able to get out all of those old feelings, to forgive, to forget, to grow, to challenge his actions... to challenge my own. There are still feelings there, why I don't know... it's one of the biggest mysteries in my life as of yet. He apologized for everything and told me that he was going through a bad time. He wished that he would have stayed and seen things through. The confusing part to me is how we can still maintain such a strong bond after such a disaster occurred between us.

He's the one that broke my heart the worst, although it was rough for me to admit. Hell, it still is. Though there was a huge battle and a lot of responsibility to be taken on, I know that I would have done that for him... and I still feel like I would.

It's so strange, when you feel like you've gotten everything all figured out. You pinpoint almost every one of your actions and the reasoning behind all of it and then something like this shoots up out of the middle of nowhere and every last bit of it is debunked by one strong attachment.

Is it that I'm still in love with him, or do I just feel like I have to prove myself worthy? I'm still not sure.

And these words still ring through my head to this day...

"I... am a birthday cake
that you light up,
blow out,
devour
and forget about."

My mind is racing.

The Sultan's Elephant

Any time I find myself in any kind of funk, this pulls me out of it almost immediately. I was introduced to The Sultan's Elephant by a good friend who has always been able to show me the most beauty I have ever seen. Not only in a person, but in life as well. 

So for that, I think you Robbo. You're incredible.

"I guess I'm pretty much of a lone wolf. I don't say I don't like people at all, but, to tell you the truth, I only like it then if I have a chance to look deep into their hearts and minds."

-Bela Lugosi

"The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows."

-Buddha

"Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake."

-Henry David Thoreau

Locked away in a deep and uninviting basement, she plays. Her minor chords strike into the pit of her heart. Desperately longing for an escape, she pours her sorrows onto scrolls and sheet music. Playing deep through the night, the circles under her eyes tell the story of her painfully afflicted mind. Her fingers blister and bleed staining the once ivory keys a dark crimson. The dark melody seeps through the cracks to the streets above. Robotic bodies hustle by, minding only their watches, celebrities and diets. Her heart beats like a mellow drum, though the pace of the song quickens. Paying close attention to its slow pulse, she wonders...

"Have I, too, become mechanical?"

The Black Widow

"This spider's bite is much feared because its venom is reported to be fifteen times stronger than a rattlesnake's. In humans, bites produce muscle aches, nausea, and a paralysis of the diaphragm that can make breathing difficult; however, contrary to popular belief, most people who are bitten suffer no serious damage--let alone death."

"Females sometimes kill and eat their counterparts after mating in a macabre behavior that gave the insect its name. Black widows are solitary year-round except during this violent mating ritual."

NW Memory Ln.

We descend through the night, the deep roar of the ocean far off in the distance. Though the wind is rushing through my body sending chills down my spine, holding on to your arm I am warm. You wrap your scarf tightly around my neck and I place my fingers gently beneath the stiff collar of your coat, pressing myself closer to you as we stroll towards our destination. We laugh about everything and nothing, giggling our way over train tracks and sidewalks. Your smile and the way your eyes look after laughing, so glossy and bright, captivate me and I cannot look away. The knowledge behind those eyes, the passion... Our lips meet and my mind spins faster and faster. My chest swells with excitement as if it were the moment we first laid eyes on each other. 

My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach.

This is temporary. 

There is a lot on my mind today. I can't stop thinking about my current situation and all of the possible outcomes. I'm not sure how things are going to work out, if things are going to work out, and if they do... will it be as fantastic as it always seemed like it would?

"You'll forget about me in a week, don't worry about it."

It's been 4 days and so far you couldn't possibly have been more wrong.

I'm going to save you...

from hearing all of the details, of course.

Life has changed quite a bit for me over the past couple of weeks. I feel like I have spent most of my life falling head over heels. I love too easily, I trust too easily, I care too easily. The gradual buildup of feelings and emotions has never really happened for me, or so I thought. When one thing didn't work out, it was always on to the next new and great thing. I never gave myself any time to let things relax.

Some time ago, now... I had a very revealing moment within myself. My 'ideal' relationship (as they always were) had gone sour. The boy that I had been looking for for years, suddenly gone. The shock lead to devastation, which shortly lead to questioning. What was it about this particular boy that I liked? Why do I feel this way? I had no answer. Thinking to myself, I realized that what I was searching for was something within myself that was burried so deep that I'd never seen it before. The tears stopped flowing immediately.

I spent a lot of time by myself after this event. Some would say that I turned reclusive, became a hermit, never saw the light of day. The truth is, I started enjoying my own presence more than the company of other people, the light of day actually turned brighter for me! It wasn't that I had found this missing piece, just that I knew it was missing. Groundbreaking, really, in my search for my inner self. Once I stopped looking for a mysterious counterpart that somehow had my missing piece, life started making more sense.

I wouldn't go as far as saying that I have found myself, just that I've begun the search. I don't know the path to this territory, I don't have a map, there are no road signs telling me that this is the right way... However, the further I travel into my heart's inner workings, the more I find that the unexplored territory is beautiful, it's not flawed like I had once believed. Gaining familiarity with the little bit of myself that I have discovered has opened me up to a whole different thought process.

As I mentioned before, I spent a lot of time alone. I spent a majority of my time away from what was familiar. I slowly started surrounding myself with people going through similar experiences, this alone has helped me more than I ever thought imaginable.


************************************************
I'm not finished here, just finished for the moment.

I've always drawn myself to people that think negatively in hopes of being able to make their world a little bit brighter. It took a long time to realize that most people don't want to see life for it's true beauty. Most people have a desire to only see things in a negative light; they thrive on violence and destruction. I have spent my life drawn to these people... hoping that some day I may be able to show someone the beauty in something as simple as a blade of grass or the organized and efficient pattern of a colony of ants gathering food. I've found that in the times I've spent trying my hardest, the blade of glass gets torn out of boredom and the ants are burnt with a magnifying glass.

Yet when I am at my worst, the world always manages to show me how it's true beauty really does shine through. The rain falls, proving once again that even the most enormous things can be cleansed and washed away. The aroma of the water seeping into the Earth and the tiny droplets of water hitting my bare legs give me a sense of satisfaction and comfort. I stretch my legs out and let the rain hit harder. My confidence returns, yet I have no desire to go back to them.

"From now on I will divide the books I have read into two categories--the ones I read before Ishmael and those read after."

-Jim Britell, Whole Earth Review

This book has been the one thing that has changed my life so drastically that I can no longer think of things in the way that I once did. This one book, this one small piece of one man's mind, has gone so far as to change my entire thought process, my heart, everything down to the very small details.